My Introvert-ness

It didn't take me too long to realise that I'm an introverted person. (actually 29 years to realise - by the time I'm writing this. So didn't take my too long) So,  to start this off, I don't do too well with big group of people. I'm likely to look more friendly online but then in real person I probably don't look too approachable. And normally I'd settle down by sticking with a small group of close friends, rather than the big group. Big crowd really isn't my kind of thing. I guess in general that's "comfort zone". I call my close friends my "comfort people".

First of all, I wanted to clarify that I don't really hate people (don't believe what the internet say about introverts k?) Also, it's easy to see identify who're my "comfort people", I get especially talkative when I'm with them. 

I want to admit that my introvert-ness or probably low self-esteem comes from the A.S(ankylosing spondylitis) that I have. Yes I know, I've been mentioning it a lot, but don't you think a condition like that brought any impact to my life? I've never publicly blame my AS condition for any of my shortfalls. However I just self-willingly bowed out of public occasions.

This is because I think I observe a lot, on people's reaction/feelings when they're with me. I can feel it that deep inside them, they try their best not to be seen with me, because a person with AS doesn't walk properly, dance beautifully or even move gracefully. My movement is as if I'm 80 years old (you'll know what I'm talking about if you've seen me in person before) I might be pessimistic but I can tell you my judgement or observation isn't entirely wrong. People generally prefer pretty-beautiful thing more than ugly-disgraceful stuff, cause all the thing about personality that matters, don't really apply most of the time.

That is why rather than always spoiling a group's image by having a slow-hunched-duck-like walking guy in the group, I'd rather not join into the group. And when I'm with my close friends, at least I felt that I've already been accepted and that I'm maybe that one unlucky guy out of the 8-10 person? But if the group grows bigger, I get more depressed, because from there I felt more and more unlucky, because I'm probably the only guy with such condition/situation out of maybe a thousand people? 

That's why getting into a crowd made me feel shitty all the time. I always want to be part of some performance, part of the group photo that everyone likes, part of the conversation, but it's not, and it's unlikely, because I have way too many flaws. That's why it won't.

I wrote this because I just met a very big group of people from work, and somehow I sensed that some people really tend to avoid being seen with me, and it hurt me inside a little bit. Maybe in the end I'm overthinking things, maybe it's just my face problem. Not good-looking enough.

But to people who I'm always talkative in front of you, thanks for not making me feel shitty or excluded from time to time. I know I never show much appreciation from what I normally do, but you guys/girls all are really important to me in my heart. You're all the reason that made me feel that I can still play a part - normally. It made me feel - human.

Not who I think I am

As always, it's been a while since my last post in this blog. And recently I've been thinking abit more than I should be.

My recent look. I know the 'O' shape is taking place.

I started to realise(or believe) that I definitely probably am not be the guy the way I picture myself in other people's view. 

I previously pictured myself at a somehow moderately good character among my families, friends, love life, and even at work. This way, I had always assumed that I'm a pretty important person among them, taking up a big part of their life decisions and would be influential, or somehow I will get a mention in their life stories. 

But then, I wonder if reality struck or the-low-self-esteem thing struck again.  Because I started to feel that I'm actually not really a part of their life, yes, I'm the-one-that-you-can-keep-it-or-lose-it-but-it-still-doesn't-make-a-difference type. 

So recently, I started doubting myself thinking that I am not that good son/grandson/brother/boyfriend/best friend/friend/colleague/superior/staff that I think I was. 

One reason I can think of is that I've always told my side of the story, and seldom heard of their side of the story. So, when one narrates his own stories, he tend to narrate it in a way that his character is always in the spotlight. So when a truck called reality hits you, you realised that you were actually never in the spotlight..or light..or in the story...you know what I mean.

Another thing is probably from witnessing all my close friend's life events; getting married/proposing/buying a property/changing a car/becoming a parent and I'm still at here thinking about if I should go to more physiotherapy session to get a healthier life, or should I lessen it so that I can save up more to keep up with everyone. I just felt irrelevant. 

I used to express myself a lot in Facebook, and used to believe in quotes like these. Used to..
This is how 7 years have changed me.

The Half-Empty, Half-Full Passion of Mine

Just to start off, one of my best friend shared this in one of our group chat recently, and the words in the message seem to hit me(slightly) in the head. Only then did I realised that for all that I can remember, I was never a person that has gives his all to something because of my passion.

Most of the time, people argue whether a cup is half-full, or half-empty, but in most of my scenario, it doesn't really matter if it's half-full or half-empty, what matter the most is that my cup had always been at half, and never full. That probably sums up my attitude towards life, or the way I do things: HALF-ASSED.

That's why if any of you had that thought in your mind and is deciding whether to tell me or not. I'm aware, just couldn't find a solution to it tho.

Going back to the message, I can't disagree with even a single thing.
Because to me, that's the definition of living a life - spending all your time and effort on chasing at something that you want the most, without being affected by your surrounding.

So when I think back, I don't seem to recall that there's anything that I've completely devoted my passion and time into. In certain time or situation, I did put more effort or time into something, but it never felt like it's 100%.

Also, one of the reason why I realised this is because I found out that I never really have/had a favourite singer/band. Never tried having the fanboy's "Die-die-must-attend-the-concert" feeling.

This is probably one of the reason why my days have been pretty gloomy recently. I'm not sure if I lost track of what I want in life, or if it's still something undiscovered. To be honest, it's depressing, or sometimes frustrates me at a certain level, because there are days that I felt like I needed every single thing, but there are also days where I felt like I don't want to do with anything anymore.

Sometimes, I wonder - am I normal for being like this? I guess one day I'll find it out.

October Brothers

To be able to laugh unflatteringly with bros, is a type of blessing in disguise.

We were born in the same month and year, separated by days; which made us, the October Brothers.

Vijay is our eldest, while I'll always be the middle child, and the youngest title goes to Eng Hock.

One way to describe our group of trio is that the three of us are all so different, but yet so similar. 

We might not be the brightest student in the class, but most of the time, we are always the happiest.

I guess because of the ways we bros communicate, I've never really expressed to both of them how grateful I am to be part of the trio. I guess it's part of the bro code to recognise a bro by heart, not words. But, here I am, writing this to thank both of them(if they have a chance to read this) for being such a big part of my life. Thank you boys.

Because everyone have their own journey to walk through, and while doing mine, I sometime felt separated or alone. But I thank God that our friendship were never separated by those times. When I look back at how we go through thick and thin, I smiled.

I always felt that a picture is indeed worth a thousand words. Pictures below gives a little preview of how our friendship work.

1. We don't always call each other by our name:

We have names that we call each other of course.

Sometimes it will be Public Display of Affection..

Sometimes the names should be censored

In this case, one gemuk calling the other gemuk.

2. The way we talk/write shit about each other directly in public

Trio of idiots in comment section.

How we ended up with middle fingers, girlfriend included.

3. The way the other two are always concerned about my love life.

How I'm being reminded each year.

Randomly giving me the push from time to time.

Another reminder with action to be taken.

This must be peer pressure.

4. How we just plan to humiliate each other in public(Facebook)

That's what bros do, right? And the last comment... :D

Announcing something just like that 

One of our greatest project. 

Both of them posted it because they were worried that I'll be upset if it's only my bald head alone.

Openly backstabbing their girlfriends

Show off.

5. The way October brothers roll

Told you I'm always the middle child.

Our first trip to Melaka

I'm not heavy, I'm their brother.

 That's all about October brothers to me. And regardless of the month we're born in, they are my brothers.

We never will walk alone.

Your Own Grim Reaper

When will you choose to die?

First thing first, I'll have to admit, blogging is not an easy thing.
When I resumed back to posting things in my blog this year, I sort of told myself that I should do this(updating my blog) more often, but things always don't go according to the way we plan it. Right?

Sometimes when I get some idea of what to write(or you can call it complain), I won't have the time to do my writing, and when I'm finally free to do some writing, then all the ideas will just go missing.

Kick ah kick, where are you?

Ok! Let's get started!
I thought of writing this because it was one of the daily topic that I heard from one of my favourite radio station when I was driving back from work. I can't remember the topic in a very detailed way or how it was asked, but I remember it was something about if you can choose a specific age to die, at what age would you prefer to leave this world.

I sort of wrote it down and wanted to give my two cents on this topic.
So, my answer today. would probably be that I would to choose to leave at 30 years old.
If it's for real, I have approximately 3 years left. That's if it's real. And no, it's not a suicide note. It's just a deeeeeeeepp thought.
I might be negative, but not THAT negative!

Me, in deep thoughts mode. 😔

I have my reasons, not that I don't enjoy my life right now.
At times, I just felt like I'm not really living life to the fullest. (Damn those life quotes and live your dream quotes!) 
No, seriously, for real, I felt that I'm part of the community that live and work just for the sake of living. I can feel the restriction all the time. The brain vs heart thing.

I somehow fell for this illustration. True story bro

So, if I myself knew that I only have 3 years left, I probably will spend at least half the remaining time doing..hrm..what's the word..ohh ya, NOT WORKING.

Like this...

I will use half my remaining time to earn a sum of money. 

Then just go around the world...or around Asia..or around Malaysia. (Depending how much I manage to save..damn it!)

Toto, let me strike your jackpot once..

Recently, in most of the conversation that I had, I can't help but notice that I talk more about the past. How it was so much better when we were younger and stuffs like that. Because I think I lost a lot of things and people while growing up. Although in the past, things weren't luxurious nor pretty, but I was pretty much very happy.

Another reason; at a lot of time, I felt like I was suffering.
Suffering from what? From the expectations that either I had for myself, or the people around me had for me. It just feels like being surrounded all the time.

Financial stability is always the best example of stress that I faced all the time. I was already a stingy boy back then, but growing up doesn't help, everything that came to me, I'm always looking from the monetary perspective first. Having enough money would make you feel safer. To me, that is so true.

No?

I also tend to keep my problems, so it's always stressful having to face all the stress alone. Most of the time it's not that I do not want to share it out, it's just that I'm not sure what's the reaction or who should I talk to. Therefore I ended up this way.

And also, I'm not the type of person who always speaks their mind or open up too frequently. That's why I often couldn't see what will be in my future, because I tend to avoid it..a lot.

So, it feels like having a deadline would maybe boost me up in what I wanna do in my life everyday.
That's just my thinking. It's just something weird that I often had in my mind as some sort of backup or shortcuts for my life because you know, people often ask me if I'm already at this condition at this age, what would happen when I get old?

My answer is? I guess I don't wanna get old to know about it since...

Yeah, because of this.

Again, I know it's negative, but like I've always said, it's just something that was in my mind. Just trying to write it down because no one really knew about this blog's existence  it's always good to share our opinion.

Sand's dropping, clock's ticking, time's moving.

Adult: Not My Kind of Thing

To start off, I know this blog does emit some negative energy because most of the time my post sounds pretty pathetic. But still I love doing it, because I know that there will be some day in the future, I can read back all these stuffs and at least have a laugh at myself.

*transfers negative energy*

Ok! Back to the main topic! Growing up seriously sucks! I know this is inevitable but then why is this something that has to happen to everyone? *frowns*

Let me try to put it into a list to why I feel so..(like I said, there'll be a lot of pessimism in my posts, but then I just wanted to write how I feel, at least being true to myself at certain time..And YOU SEE?! That's already one of the reason!! I had to find a time on purpose just to be my true self because I'm a GROWN UP.)*pukitaik ayam*

1. Having those responsibilities being put on your shoulder

- *means paying your own bills, but responsibilities sounds more comforting and assuring*

Of course this is the time when I actually realized how hard it has been for my parents to raise me and my siblings up to where we are today.(Thank you Mum, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa!)

Familia iz love

I'm not sure of everyone else, but a lot of times especially when it gets tough at work, I will have some questions for myself; why do I have to be in this position, why do I have to always face these shits?.

And the answer is always because it is my responsibility. With that at least, I was able to answer the question and continue the path, but was I happy? NO.

Since I started my first job back in 2011, I never(and I mean NEVER) had a long break between jobs. If my last day is on Friday for my previous job, my new job starts next Monday. You think I chose that? It's because I can't afford to have a break. And it really took a toll on me..

Rentals, loans, and every drop of rice that I consume everyday cost me money, and it's not a small one either. I can't let myself relax when I know that if I'm not working, the money are not coming in.

And not forgetting my A.S, I at least had to drop by for physical rehab twice a month(btw that is the minimal visit that I can go so that I don't suffer too much from my condition) If we wanna talk about healing and improvement, I need way more than two sessions per month, but who's going to foot the fucking bill? Nobody nobody but ME!

2. Knowing "more" people in your life

- of course one of the thing with growing up is that you get to meet and know more people, adding more people into the circle of your life. Awww, that sounds so beautiful...from the OUTSIDE!

Beautiful words..

Why do I feel that way? It goes back to when I was a young kid, I always thought that if I'm one of the popular guy with tons of friends who always gets to know new people, and that if a person choose to leave your life, you replace it with another person. (Now I just wanna go back in time and fucking slap that fucker and tell him that he's wrong! Yes, the younger me!!)

To be honest, now I don't feel that way at all.
Because I may meet a lot of new people in the process of growing up, but how many of them really "clicked"? And bear in mind, not all NEW people you meet will be friendly or good towards you. So when it comes to having friends, I stand by the fact that quality is always better than quantity. Always.

Of course my true and best friends will definitely stay by my side when I need them. But because we grew up, materialism is already a common thing among people at our age. But even for close friends, we don't hang around that much anymore because everyone will be busy with their own stuff. (For this, I can't blame them for that because I'm doing the same thing too, I'm sorry too guys)

Occasionally I will have the urge to actually want to ask my group of close friends to meet up and to catch up, but then as a grown-up, I'll always have a feeling that they might have something that is more important to do and I wouldn't want to disrupt them. But then when I do really have something to ask from them, I'll then feel like.."Aiyah, normally never find, now once find then need a favor from them." that kind of feeling. You see? Grown up likes to overthink and complicates things. 

Recently, I saw the "See Friendship" function in Facebook and I looked through my friendship with a group of my friends and after seeing all the stuffs that we do back then(because sometimes I'm way too free), it's sad that we can't be the same anymore. Even if you replicate certain thing, the feeling isn't there anymore. (Eg: Sometimes we just tag a group of our close friends and the comment war will start, but...what about now?)

Those days..

Just trying to say this is pretty sad. *frowns again*

Also, I used to think that people at work are just normal colleagues that will be everywhere no matter which organisation you joined. But, after switching between three jobs, I realised that good colleague and good bosses are very difficult to find.

Even until today I will still miss my working days back in my first job. I used to take all of it for granted, and when I left, I thought I chose a better path, but until today, I still have some regret in me that I never get to stay longer with the team.

3. I don't wanna see my loved ones grow old. 
The biggest reason of all I would say is that I don't wanna see my parents, grandma, and other older relatives grow old. I felt that I'm always trying to keep up with my life and it always felt like the time spent with them, were never enough. Because, they were so busy when they were young making sure that I grew up the way and lived life the way they will be proud of! Every now and then when I look at them and noticed that they've aged, it graze my heart off little by little. I'm really proud that I grew up raised by my parents and grandparents knowing they gave me their best. I only regret that I'm not successful enough to make them proud. 

I listened to this song below a lot, word to word.

I'll stop with three points first, because I think the post is getting lengthy.

To sort of end this, reality is harsh, growing up isn't easy, I know it had to be done. But, sometimes, I just wanna say all these points out just to put a little comfort to myself and to push myself forward, little by little.

Just like this..

That One Thing I Hate About Myself

Have you heard of Ankylosing Spondylitis before? Neither did I, until back in 2008. And my first reaction was: Waddafuq is that?
To start off, those who've seen me before, would've noticed that I walk differently. 

Most of the time looking like this...

Yes, the 10 degree hunch and that chicken wing stance.

Whenever I'm outside, I'll always notice when people have that curious face looking at me.
Some would just give me a judging expression, some would come up and ask if I was involved in any accident recently. 

*Detective mode*Why the fuck is this guy walking like this?

I always try to shrug their question off by telling them it was a sports injury that just happened recently because it was just way too lengthy and complicated to explain the whole Ankylosing Spondylitis thing to them. 

Yes, so, I was diagnosed with A.S several years back(it was so long ago that I can't exactly remember when was it, I started to feel the pain probably around 2008) and to make things simple, there's no cure to it, yet(I'm trying to remain optimistic). Thanks to Wikipedia and the internet, I get to know more of my situation without making too many of visits to the hospital or clinic.

Nowadays it's a pain to be able to only watch, and not playing.

This condition of mine(nowadays I wonder if it's a condition or if it's a disability..I'm hoping that it's the former) happens because the gap between my spine/joints are fused together, taking away my mobility and flexibility. It also took away my freedom to enjoy a normal life like any average person out there would enjoy their life. My family and friends are always worried about me because of this. My close friends are all still very active in sports and marathon, while I'm just sitting there hoping that I can walk straight and pain-free for the rest of the day.

I had tough time walking, sitting, sleeping, moving and literally everything else. Once I begin feeling the pain from this condition, I've never had a single day that is pain-free. (unless on the days when I took painkillers) I'll always feel tired, whether if it's been a busy day or not. And sometimes it felt like the pain that I felt, knows how to rotate themselves within my body. One week it might be my legs, another week it might be the lower back, some week it'll be my neck, all sort of stuff. 

Every single minute in my day, I'm being reminded by my body, that I had A.S. They never took any day off.And by now I have already forgotten, how to live life normally anymore. Life never became normal for me after this AS thing happened. And it seems like it never will. 

Even I felt sorry for myself.

This picture was taken back in 2014, and it's certainly one of the highlight of my life.
That version inside me that wants to climb higher and higher in life, and I was sort of doing it literally and figuratively at that point of time.

In a summary, it's been really tough to keep up with this condition, both physically and mentally. In my opinion, you need to be very rich to get through this condition everyday. Accepting the fact that I had AS took me some time, now my challenge is to be more optimistic with it. Deep inside my heart, there's a will that wanted me to win this fight and get through all of this. But the bigger and outer side of me also understand that it will take more than a miracle to win this fight. 

When I browsed around Youtube and found the two video below, I can't feel anything but empathy for them, and pretty sure anyone diagnosed with AS feels and experience pretty much the same experience. And both the video was done by Novartis, and they seem to really care about ankylosing spondylitis.

That feels when he described his feeling towards having AS, and the fact that we as someone with AS couldn't offer any other solution/advice other than; talking to relevant people and read up and understand more about AS.

Hits me right in the feels when he answered about his direction of life,

and the answer to the final question: To make AS disappear.

So, this is like making a statement that I had A.S, but a more coward-like statement. Because I don't like making it public and I don't think people give a fuck about it either.

In the end, people around me still offered me moral support when they knew that I had AS. Those close to me will often ask me not to think about it and that no one would mind about my condition. 

But, I still know that, deep down inside them, a fraction of them still mind about this condition that I had. I know that because things happened occassionally and I observed people's expression and how they feel. It's just that I felt that I don't have the right to ask them. Because regardless of how it is, the problem is me, my AS.

Even up until now, I still feel that I should be facing this fight all by myself. Because it's depressing to look back at the face of people around me, and knowing that the victory of this fight does not belong to me.

I still don't know why I should hang on. Or how..