Not who I think I am

As always, it's been a while since my last post in this blog. And recently I've been thinking abit more than I should be.

My recent look. I know the 'O' shape is taking place.

I started to realise(or believe) that I definitely probably am not be the guy the way I picture myself in other people's view. 

I previously pictured myself at a somehow moderately good character among my families, friends, love life, and even at work. This way, I had always assumed that I'm a pretty important person among them, taking up a big part of their life decisions and would be influential, or somehow I will get a mention in their life stories. 

But then, I wonder if reality struck or the-low-self-esteem thing struck again.  Because I started to feel that I'm actually not really a part of their life, yes, I'm the-one-that-you-can-keep-it-or-lose-it-but-it-still-doesn't-make-a-difference type. 

So recently, I started doubting myself thinking that I am not that good son/grandson/brother/boyfriend/best friend/friend/colleague/superior/staff that I think I was. 

One reason I can think of is that I've always told my side of the story, and seldom heard of their side of the story. So, when one narrates his own stories, he tend to narrate it in a way that his character is always in the spotlight. So when a truck called reality hits you, you realised that you were actually never in the spotlight..or light..or in the story...you know what I mean.

Another thing is probably from witnessing all my close friend's life events; getting married/proposing/buying a property/changing a car/becoming a parent and I'm still at here thinking about if I should go to more physiotherapy session to get a healthier life, or should I lessen it so that I can save up more to keep up with everyone. I just felt irrelevant. 

I used to express myself a lot in Facebook, and used to believe in quotes like these. Used to..
This is how 7 years have changed me.

The Half-Empty, Half-Full Passion of Mine

Just to start off, one of my best friend shared this in one of our group chat recently, and the words in the message seem to hit me(slightly) in the head. Only then did I realised that for all that I can remember, I was never a person that has gives his all to something because of my passion.

Most of the time, people argue whether a cup is half-full, or half-empty, but in most of my scenario, it doesn't really matter if it's half-full or half-empty, what matter the most is that my cup had always been at half, and never full. That probably sums up my attitude towards life, or the way I do things: HALF-ASSED.

That's why if any of you had that thought in your mind and is deciding whether to tell me or not. I'm aware, just couldn't find a solution to it tho.

Going back to the message, I can't disagree with even a single thing.
Because to me, that's the definition of living a life - spending all your time and effort on chasing at something that you want the most, without being affected by your surrounding.

So when I think back, I don't seem to recall that there's anything that I've completely devoted my passion and time into. In certain time or situation, I did put more effort or time into something, but it never felt like it's 100%.

Also, one of the reason why I realised this is because I found out that I never really have/had a favourite singer/band. Never tried having the fanboy's "Die-die-must-attend-the-concert" feeling.

This is probably one of the reason why my days have been pretty gloomy recently. I'm not sure if I lost track of what I want in life, or if it's still something undiscovered. To be honest, it's depressing, or sometimes frustrates me at a certain level, because there are days that I felt like I needed every single thing, but there are also days where I felt like I don't want to do with anything anymore.

Sometimes, I wonder - am I normal for being like this? I guess one day I'll find it out.

October Brothers

To be able to laugh unflatteringly with bros, is a type of blessing in disguise.

We were born in the same month and year, separated by days; which made us, the October Brothers.

Vijay is our eldest, while I'll always be the middle child, and the youngest title goes to Eng Hock.

One way to describe our group of trio is that the three of us are all so different, but yet so similar. 

We might not be the brightest student in the class, but most of the time, we are always the happiest.

I guess because of the ways we bros communicate, I've never really expressed to both of them how grateful I am to be part of the trio. I guess it's part of the bro code to recognise a bro by heart, not words. But, here I am, writing this to thank both of them(if they have a chance to read this) for being such a big part of my life. Thank you boys.

Because everyone have their own journey to walk through, and while doing mine, I sometime felt separated or alone. But I thank God that our friendship were never separated by those times. When I look back at how we go through thick and thin, I smiled.

I always felt that a picture is indeed worth a thousand words. Pictures below gives a little preview of how our friendship work.

1. We don't always call each other by our name:

We have names that we call each other of course.

Sometimes it will be Public Display of Affection..

Sometimes the names should be censored

In this case, one gemuk calling the other gemuk.

2. The way we talk/write shit about each other directly in public

Trio of idiots in comment section.

How we ended up with middle fingers, girlfriend included.

3. The way the other two are always concerned about my love life.

How I'm being reminded each year.

Randomly giving me the push from time to time.

Another reminder with action to be taken.

This must be peer pressure.

4. How we just plan to humiliate each other in public(Facebook)

That's what bros do, right? And the last comment... :D

Announcing something just like that 

One of our greatest project. 

Both of them posted it because they were worried that I'll be upset if it's only my bald head alone.

Openly backstabbing their girlfriends

Show off.

5. The way October brothers roll

Told you I'm always the middle child.

Our first trip to Melaka

I'm not heavy, I'm their brother.

 That's all about October brothers to me. And regardless of the month we're born in, they are my brothers.

We never will walk alone.