Your Own Grim Reaper

When will you choose to die?

First thing first, I'll have to admit, blogging is not an easy thing.
When I resumed back to posting things in my blog this year, I sort of told myself that I should do this(updating my blog) more often, but things always don't go according to the way we plan it. Right?

Sometimes when I get some idea of what to write(or you can call it complain), I won't have the time to do my writing, and when I'm finally free to do some writing, then all the ideas will just go missing.

Kick ah kick, where are you?

Ok! Let's get started!
I thought of writing this because it was one of the daily topic that I heard from one of my favourite radio station when I was driving back from work. I can't remember the topic in a very detailed way or how it was asked, but I remember it was something about if you can choose a specific age to die, at what age would you prefer to leave this world.

I sort of wrote it down and wanted to give my two cents on this topic.
So, my answer today. would probably be that I would to choose to leave at 30 years old.
If it's for real, I have approximately 3 years left. That's if it's real. And no, it's not a suicide note. It's just a deeeeeeeepp thought.
I might be negative, but not THAT negative!

Me, in deep thoughts mode. 😔

I have my reasons, not that I don't enjoy my life right now.
At times, I just felt like I'm not really living life to the fullest. (Damn those life quotes and live your dream quotes!) 
No, seriously, for real, I felt that I'm part of the community that live and work just for the sake of living. I can feel the restriction all the time. The brain vs heart thing.

I somehow fell for this illustration. True story bro

So, if I myself knew that I only have 3 years left, I probably will spend at least half the remaining time doing..hrm..what's the word..ohh ya, NOT WORKING.

Like this...

I will use half my remaining time to earn a sum of money. 

Then just go around the world...or around Asia..or around Malaysia. (Depending how much I manage to save..damn it!)

Toto, let me strike your jackpot once..

Recently, in most of the conversation that I had, I can't help but notice that I talk more about the past. How it was so much better when we were younger and stuffs like that. Because I think I lost a lot of things and people while growing up. Although in the past, things weren't luxurious nor pretty, but I was pretty much very happy.

Another reason; at a lot of time, I felt like I was suffering.
Suffering from what? From the expectations that either I had for myself, or the people around me had for me. It just feels like being surrounded all the time.

Financial stability is always the best example of stress that I faced all the time. I was already a stingy boy back then, but growing up doesn't help, everything that came to me, I'm always looking from the monetary perspective first. Having enough money would make you feel safer. To me, that is so true.

No?

I also tend to keep my problems, so it's always stressful having to face all the stress alone. Most of the time it's not that I do not want to share it out, it's just that I'm not sure what's the reaction or who should I talk to. Therefore I ended up this way.

And also, I'm not the type of person who always speaks their mind or open up too frequently. That's why I often couldn't see what will be in my future, because I tend to avoid it..a lot.

So, it feels like having a deadline would maybe boost me up in what I wanna do in my life everyday.
That's just my thinking. It's just something weird that I often had in my mind as some sort of backup or shortcuts for my life because you know, people often ask me if I'm already at this condition at this age, what would happen when I get old?

My answer is? I guess I don't wanna get old to know about it since...

Yeah, because of this.

Again, I know it's negative, but like I've always said, it's just something that was in my mind. Just trying to write it down because no one really knew about this blog's existence  it's always good to share our opinion.

Sand's dropping, clock's ticking, time's moving.

Adult: Not My Kind of Thing

To start off, I know this blog does emit some negative energy because most of the time my post sounds pretty pathetic. But still I love doing it, because I know that there will be some day in the future, I can read back all these stuffs and at least have a laugh at myself.

*transfers negative energy*

Ok! Back to the main topic! Growing up seriously sucks! I know this is inevitable but then why is this something that has to happen to everyone? *frowns*

Let me try to put it into a list to why I feel so..(like I said, there'll be a lot of pessimism in my posts, but then I just wanted to write how I feel, at least being true to myself at certain time..And YOU SEE?! That's already one of the reason!! I had to find a time on purpose just to be my true self because I'm a GROWN UP.)*pukitaik ayam*

1. Having those responsibilities being put on your shoulder

- *means paying your own bills, but responsibilities sounds more comforting and assuring*

Of course this is the time when I actually realized how hard it has been for my parents to raise me and my siblings up to where we are today.(Thank you Mum, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa!)

Familia iz love

I'm not sure of everyone else, but a lot of times especially when it gets tough at work, I will have some questions for myself; why do I have to be in this position, why do I have to always face these shits?.

And the answer is always because it is my responsibility. With that at least, I was able to answer the question and continue the path, but was I happy? NO.

Since I started my first job back in 2011, I never(and I mean NEVER) had a long break between jobs. If my last day is on Friday for my previous job, my new job starts next Monday. You think I chose that? It's because I can't afford to have a break. And it really took a toll on me..

Rentals, loans, and every drop of rice that I consume everyday cost me money, and it's not a small one either. I can't let myself relax when I know that if I'm not working, the money are not coming in.

And not forgetting my A.S, I at least had to drop by for physical rehab twice a month(btw that is the minimal visit that I can go so that I don't suffer too much from my condition) If we wanna talk about healing and improvement, I need way more than two sessions per month, but who's going to foot the fucking bill? Nobody nobody but ME!

2. Knowing "more" people in your life

- of course one of the thing with growing up is that you get to meet and know more people, adding more people into the circle of your life. Awww, that sounds so beautiful...from the OUTSIDE!

Beautiful words..

Why do I feel that way? It goes back to when I was a young kid, I always thought that if I'm one of the popular guy with tons of friends who always gets to know new people, and that if a person choose to leave your life, you replace it with another person. (Now I just wanna go back in time and fucking slap that fucker and tell him that he's wrong! Yes, the younger me!!)

To be honest, now I don't feel that way at all.
Because I may meet a lot of new people in the process of growing up, but how many of them really "clicked"? And bear in mind, not all NEW people you meet will be friendly or good towards you. So when it comes to having friends, I stand by the fact that quality is always better than quantity. Always.

Of course my true and best friends will definitely stay by my side when I need them. But because we grew up, materialism is already a common thing among people at our age. But even for close friends, we don't hang around that much anymore because everyone will be busy with their own stuff. (For this, I can't blame them for that because I'm doing the same thing too, I'm sorry too guys)

Occasionally I will have the urge to actually want to ask my group of close friends to meet up and to catch up, but then as a grown-up, I'll always have a feeling that they might have something that is more important to do and I wouldn't want to disrupt them. But then when I do really have something to ask from them, I'll then feel like.."Aiyah, normally never find, now once find then need a favor from them." that kind of feeling. You see? Grown up likes to overthink and complicates things. 

Recently, I saw the "See Friendship" function in Facebook and I looked through my friendship with a group of my friends and after seeing all the stuffs that we do back then(because sometimes I'm way too free), it's sad that we can't be the same anymore. Even if you replicate certain thing, the feeling isn't there anymore. (Eg: Sometimes we just tag a group of our close friends and the comment war will start, but...what about now?)

Those days..

Just trying to say this is pretty sad. *frowns again*

Also, I used to think that people at work are just normal colleagues that will be everywhere no matter which organisation you joined. But, after switching between three jobs, I realised that good colleague and good bosses are very difficult to find.

Even until today I will still miss my working days back in my first job. I used to take all of it for granted, and when I left, I thought I chose a better path, but until today, I still have some regret in me that I never get to stay longer with the team.

3. I don't wanna see my loved ones grow old. 
The biggest reason of all I would say is that I don't wanna see my parents, grandma, and other older relatives grow old. I felt that I'm always trying to keep up with my life and it always felt like the time spent with them, were never enough. Because, they were so busy when they were young making sure that I grew up the way and lived life the way they will be proud of! Every now and then when I look at them and noticed that they've aged, it graze my heart off little by little. I'm really proud that I grew up raised by my parents and grandparents knowing they gave me their best. I only regret that I'm not successful enough to make them proud. 

I listened to this song below a lot, word to word.

I'll stop with three points first, because I think the post is getting lengthy.

To sort of end this, reality is harsh, growing up isn't easy, I know it had to be done. But, sometimes, I just wanna say all these points out just to put a little comfort to myself and to push myself forward, little by little.

Just like this..

That One Thing I Hate About Myself

Have you heard of Ankylosing Spondylitis before? Neither did I, until back in 2008. And my first reaction was: Waddafuq is that?
To start off, those who've seen me before, would've noticed that I walk differently. 

Most of the time looking like this...

Yes, the 10 degree hunch and that chicken wing stance.

Whenever I'm outside, I'll always notice when people have that curious face looking at me.
Some would just give me a judging expression, some would come up and ask if I was involved in any accident recently. 

*Detective mode*Why the fuck is this guy walking like this?

I always try to shrug their question off by telling them it was a sports injury that just happened recently because it was just way too lengthy and complicated to explain the whole Ankylosing Spondylitis thing to them. 

Yes, so, I was diagnosed with A.S several years back(it was so long ago that I can't exactly remember when was it, I started to feel the pain probably around 2008) and to make things simple, there's no cure to it, yet(I'm trying to remain optimistic). Thanks to Wikipedia and the internet, I get to know more of my situation without making too many of visits to the hospital or clinic.

Nowadays it's a pain to be able to only watch, and not playing.

This condition of mine(nowadays I wonder if it's a condition or if it's a disability..I'm hoping that it's the former) happens because the gap between my spine/joints are fused together, taking away my mobility and flexibility. It also took away my freedom to enjoy a normal life like any average person out there would enjoy their life. My family and friends are always worried about me because of this. My close friends are all still very active in sports and marathon, while I'm just sitting there hoping that I can walk straight and pain-free for the rest of the day.

I had tough time walking, sitting, sleeping, moving and literally everything else. Once I begin feeling the pain from this condition, I've never had a single day that is pain-free. (unless on the days when I took painkillers) I'll always feel tired, whether if it's been a busy day or not. And sometimes it felt like the pain that I felt, knows how to rotate themselves within my body. One week it might be my legs, another week it might be the lower back, some week it'll be my neck, all sort of stuff. 

Every single minute in my day, I'm being reminded by my body, that I had A.S. They never took any day off.And by now I have already forgotten, how to live life normally anymore. Life never became normal for me after this AS thing happened. And it seems like it never will. 

Even I felt sorry for myself.

This picture was taken back in 2014, and it's certainly one of the highlight of my life.
That version inside me that wants to climb higher and higher in life, and I was sort of doing it literally and figuratively at that point of time.

In a summary, it's been really tough to keep up with this condition, both physically and mentally. In my opinion, you need to be very rich to get through this condition everyday. Accepting the fact that I had AS took me some time, now my challenge is to be more optimistic with it. Deep inside my heart, there's a will that wanted me to win this fight and get through all of this. But the bigger and outer side of me also understand that it will take more than a miracle to win this fight. 

When I browsed around Youtube and found the two video below, I can't feel anything but empathy for them, and pretty sure anyone diagnosed with AS feels and experience pretty much the same experience. And both the video was done by Novartis, and they seem to really care about ankylosing spondylitis.

That feels when he described his feeling towards having AS, and the fact that we as someone with AS couldn't offer any other solution/advice other than; talking to relevant people and read up and understand more about AS.

Hits me right in the feels when he answered about his direction of life,

and the answer to the final question: To make AS disappear.

So, this is like making a statement that I had A.S, but a more coward-like statement. Because I don't like making it public and I don't think people give a fuck about it either.

In the end, people around me still offered me moral support when they knew that I had AS. Those close to me will often ask me not to think about it and that no one would mind about my condition. 

But, I still know that, deep down inside them, a fraction of them still mind about this condition that I had. I know that because things happened occassionally and I observed people's expression and how they feel. It's just that I felt that I don't have the right to ask them. Because regardless of how it is, the problem is me, my AS.

Even up until now, I still feel that I should be facing this fight all by myself. Because it's depressing to look back at the face of people around me, and knowing that the victory of this fight does not belong to me.

I still don't know why I should hang on. Or how..