Have you heard of Ankylosing Spondylitis before? Neither did I, until back in 2008. And my first reaction was: Waddafuq is that?
To start off, those who've seen me before, would've noticed that I walk differently.
To start off, those who've seen me before, would've noticed that I walk differently.
Most of the time looking like this...
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| Yes, the 10 degree hunch and that chicken wing stance. |
Whenever I'm outside, I'll always notice when people have that curious face looking at me.
Some would just give me a judging expression, some would come up and ask if I was involved in any accident recently.
Some would just give me a judging expression, some would come up and ask if I was involved in any accident recently.
*Detective mode*Why the fuck is this guy walking like this?
I always try to shrug their question off by telling them it was a sports injury that just happened recently because it was just way too lengthy and complicated to explain the whole Ankylosing Spondylitis thing to them.
Yes, so, I was diagnosed with A.S several years back(it was so long ago that I can't exactly remember when was it, I started to feel the pain probably around 2008) and to make things simple, there's no cure to it, yet(I'm trying to remain optimistic). Thanks to Wikipedia and the internet, I get to know more of my situation without making too many of visits to the hospital or clinic.
Nowadays it's a pain to be able to only watch, and not playing.
This condition of mine(nowadays I wonder if it's a condition or if it's a disability..I'm hoping that it's the former) happens because the gap between my spine/joints are fused together, taking away my mobility and flexibility. It also took away my freedom to enjoy a normal life like any average person out there would enjoy their life. My family and friends are always worried about me because of this. My close friends are all still very active in sports and marathon, while I'm just sitting there hoping that I can walk straight and pain-free for the rest of the day.
I had tough time walking, sitting, sleeping, moving and literally everything else. Once I begin feeling the pain from this condition, I've never had a single day that is pain-free. (unless on the days when I took painkillers) I'll always feel tired, whether if it's been a busy day or not. And sometimes it felt like the pain that I felt, knows how to rotate themselves within my body. One week it might be my legs, another week it might be the lower back, some week it'll be my neck, all sort of stuff.
Every single minute in my day, I'm being reminded by my body, that I had A.S. They never took any day off.And by now I have already forgotten, how to live life normally anymore. Life never became normal for me after this AS thing happened. And it seems like it never will.
Even I felt sorry for myself.
This picture was taken back in 2014, and it's certainly one of the highlight of my life.
That version inside me that wants to climb higher and higher in life, and I was sort of doing it literally and figuratively at that point of time.
That version inside me that wants to climb higher and higher in life, and I was sort of doing it literally and figuratively at that point of time.
In a summary, it's been really tough to keep up with this condition, both physically and mentally. In my opinion, you need to be very rich to get through this condition everyday. Accepting the fact that I had AS took me some time, now my challenge is to be more optimistic with it. Deep inside my heart, there's a will that wanted me to win this fight and get through all of this. But the bigger and outer side of me also understand that it will take more than a miracle to win this fight.
When I browsed around Youtube and found the two video below, I can't feel anything but empathy for them, and pretty sure anyone diagnosed with AS feels and experience pretty much the same experience. And both the video was done by Novartis, and they seem to really care about ankylosing spondylitis.
When I browsed around Youtube and found the two video below, I can't feel anything but empathy for them, and pretty sure anyone diagnosed with AS feels and experience pretty much the same experience. And both the video was done by Novartis, and they seem to really care about ankylosing spondylitis.
That feels when he described his feeling towards having AS, and the fact that we as someone with AS couldn't offer any other solution/advice other than; talking to relevant people and read up and understand more about AS.
Hits me right in the feels when he answered about his direction of life,
and the answer to the final question: To make AS disappear.
In the end, people around me still offered me moral support when they knew that I had AS. Those close to me will often ask me not to think about it and that no one would mind about my condition.
But, I still know that, deep down inside them, a fraction of them still mind about this condition that I had. I know that because things happened occassionally and I observed people's expression and how they feel. It's just that I felt that I don't have the right to ask them. Because regardless of how it is, the problem is me, my AS.
Even up until now, I still feel that I should be facing this fight all by myself. Because it's depressing to look back at the face of people around me, and knowing that the victory of this fight does not belong to me.
I still don't know why I should hang on. Or how..
But, I still know that, deep down inside them, a fraction of them still mind about this condition that I had. I know that because things happened occassionally and I observed people's expression and how they feel. It's just that I felt that I don't have the right to ask them. Because regardless of how it is, the problem is me, my AS.
Even up until now, I still feel that I should be facing this fight all by myself. Because it's depressing to look back at the face of people around me, and knowing that the victory of this fight does not belong to me.
I still don't know why I should hang on. Or how..
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