First of all, I wanted to clarify that I don't really hate people (don't believe what the internet say about introverts k?) Also, it's easy to see identify who're my "comfort people", I get especially talkative when I'm with them.
I want to admit that my introvert-ness or probably low self-esteem comes from the A.S(ankylosing spondylitis) that I have. Yes I know, I've been mentioning it a lot, but don't you think a condition like that brought any impact to my life? I've never publicly blame my AS condition for any of my shortfalls. However I just self-willingly bowed out of public occasions.
This is because I think I observe a lot, on people's reaction/feelings when they're with me. I can feel it that deep inside them, they try their best not to be seen with me, because a person with AS doesn't walk properly, dance beautifully or even move gracefully. My movement is as if I'm 80 years old (you'll know what I'm talking about if you've seen me in person before) I might be pessimistic but I can tell you my judgement or observation isn't entirely wrong. People generally prefer pretty-beautiful thing more than ugly-disgraceful stuff, cause all the thing about personality that matters, don't really apply most of the time.
That is why rather than always spoiling a group's image by having a slow-hunched-duck-like walking guy in the group, I'd rather not join into the group. And when I'm with my close friends, at least I felt that I've already been accepted and that I'm maybe that one unlucky guy out of the 8-10 person? But if the group grows bigger, I get more depressed, because from there I felt more and more unlucky, because I'm probably the only guy with such condition/situation out of maybe a thousand people?
That's why getting into a crowd made me feel shitty all the time. I always want to be part of some performance, part of the group photo that everyone likes, part of the conversation, but it's not, and it's unlikely, because I have way too many flaws. That's why it won't.
I wrote this because I just met a very big group of people from work, and somehow I sensed that some people really tend to avoid being seen with me, and it hurt me inside a little bit. Maybe in the end I'm overthinking things, maybe it's just my face problem. Not good-looking enough.
But to people who I'm always talkative in front of you, thanks for not making me feel shitty or excluded from time to time. I know I never show much appreciation from what I normally do, but you guys/girls all are really important to me in my heart. You're all the reason that made me feel that I can still play a part - normally. It made me feel - human.
But to people who I'm always talkative in front of you, thanks for not making me feel shitty or excluded from time to time. I know I never show much appreciation from what I normally do, but you guys/girls all are really important to me in my heart. You're all the reason that made me feel that I can still play a part - normally. It made me feel - human.
