Adult: Not My Kind of Thing

To start off, I know this blog does emit some negative energy because most of the time my post sounds pretty pathetic. But still I love doing it, because I know that there will be some day in the future, I can read back all these stuffs and at least have a laugh at myself.

*transfers negative energy*

Ok! Back to the main topic! Growing up seriously sucks! I know this is inevitable but then why is this something that has to happen to everyone? *frowns*

Let me try to put it into a list to why I feel so..(like I said, there'll be a lot of pessimism in my posts, but then I just wanted to write how I feel, at least being true to myself at certain time..And YOU SEE?! That's already one of the reason!! I had to find a time on purpose just to be my true self because I'm a GROWN UP.)*pukitaik ayam*

1. Having those responsibilities being put on your shoulder

- *means paying your own bills, but responsibilities sounds more comforting and assuring*

Of course this is the time when I actually realized how hard it has been for my parents to raise me and my siblings up to where we are today.(Thank you Mum, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa!)

Familia iz love

I'm not sure of everyone else, but a lot of times especially when it gets tough at work, I will have some questions for myself; why do I have to be in this position, why do I have to always face these shits?.

And the answer is always because it is my responsibility. With that at least, I was able to answer the question and continue the path, but was I happy? NO.

Since I started my first job back in 2011, I never(and I mean NEVER) had a long break between jobs. If my last day is on Friday for my previous job, my new job starts next Monday. You think I chose that? It's because I can't afford to have a break. And it really took a toll on me..

Rentals, loans, and every drop of rice that I consume everyday cost me money, and it's not a small one either. I can't let myself relax when I know that if I'm not working, the money are not coming in.

And not forgetting my A.S, I at least had to drop by for physical rehab twice a month(btw that is the minimal visit that I can go so that I don't suffer too much from my condition) If we wanna talk about healing and improvement, I need way more than two sessions per month, but who's going to foot the fucking bill? Nobody nobody but ME!

2. Knowing "more" people in your life

- of course one of the thing with growing up is that you get to meet and know more people, adding more people into the circle of your life. Awww, that sounds so beautiful...from the OUTSIDE!

Beautiful words..

Why do I feel that way? It goes back to when I was a young kid, I always thought that if I'm one of the popular guy with tons of friends who always gets to know new people, and that if a person choose to leave your life, you replace it with another person. (Now I just wanna go back in time and fucking slap that fucker and tell him that he's wrong! Yes, the younger me!!)

To be honest, now I don't feel that way at all.
Because I may meet a lot of new people in the process of growing up, but how many of them really "clicked"? And bear in mind, not all NEW people you meet will be friendly or good towards you. So when it comes to having friends, I stand by the fact that quality is always better than quantity. Always.

Of course my true and best friends will definitely stay by my side when I need them. But because we grew up, materialism is already a common thing among people at our age. But even for close friends, we don't hang around that much anymore because everyone will be busy with their own stuff. (For this, I can't blame them for that because I'm doing the same thing too, I'm sorry too guys)

Occasionally I will have the urge to actually want to ask my group of close friends to meet up and to catch up, but then as a grown-up, I'll always have a feeling that they might have something that is more important to do and I wouldn't want to disrupt them. But then when I do really have something to ask from them, I'll then feel like.."Aiyah, normally never find, now once find then need a favor from them." that kind of feeling. You see? Grown up likes to overthink and complicates things. 

Recently, I saw the "See Friendship" function in Facebook and I looked through my friendship with a group of my friends and after seeing all the stuffs that we do back then(because sometimes I'm way too free), it's sad that we can't be the same anymore. Even if you replicate certain thing, the feeling isn't there anymore. (Eg: Sometimes we just tag a group of our close friends and the comment war will start, but...what about now?)

Those days..

Just trying to say this is pretty sad. *frowns again*

Also, I used to think that people at work are just normal colleagues that will be everywhere no matter which organisation you joined. But, after switching between three jobs, I realised that good colleague and good bosses are very difficult to find.

Even until today I will still miss my working days back in my first job. I used to take all of it for granted, and when I left, I thought I chose a better path, but until today, I still have some regret in me that I never get to stay longer with the team.

3. I don't wanna see my loved ones grow old. 
The biggest reason of all I would say is that I don't wanna see my parents, grandma, and other older relatives grow old. I felt that I'm always trying to keep up with my life and it always felt like the time spent with them, were never enough. Because, they were so busy when they were young making sure that I grew up the way and lived life the way they will be proud of! Every now and then when I look at them and noticed that they've aged, it graze my heart off little by little. I'm really proud that I grew up raised by my parents and grandparents knowing they gave me their best. I only regret that I'm not successful enough to make them proud. 

I listened to this song below a lot, word to word.

I'll stop with three points first, because I think the post is getting lengthy.

To sort of end this, reality is harsh, growing up isn't easy, I know it had to be done. But, sometimes, I just wanna say all these points out just to put a little comfort to myself and to push myself forward, little by little.

Just like this..